Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
