I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
