is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
