i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize