Porn is love you can see.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
