Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
