He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
