it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
