I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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