you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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