yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
