I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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