Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
