I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I skipped work to stalk him.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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