sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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