it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
