Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it hurts more in the daytime
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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