I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
