Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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