Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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