i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
