just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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