My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
