Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
