I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you had me at cake vodka
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
