If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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