instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
