just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i think i have two assholes
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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