Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
