I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
