i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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