why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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