hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
