So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
