Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
