I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize