My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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