I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
