He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You need a sexual gate keeper
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
