she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
