Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
