How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
