I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
