I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
