the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
