new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
try to milk me bitch
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