I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
