I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
