i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
my being single is dangerous.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
