someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
