At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
