i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
where are my eyebrows?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize