im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
