I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
