lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
