And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
