Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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