Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize