New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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