I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
