my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
